Well today we finally did it. We did what I think most of us hoped we wouldn't have to do. We moved Gma in the Elevator back to Woods. Basically a convalescent home.
I visited Gma this morning in her apartment and she looked better than she had in days. So I wasn't prepared for what I saw this evening when I visited her at Woods.
I feel like we gave up on her...when I saw her tonight the tears just flowed...so naturally...like a river reaching for the sea. I saw many things as she lay there snoring...I saw my mom...I have always swore to never put my mom in a place liek that, but 110lbs of dead weight is next to impossible to move. I tried...I tried getting Gma to the toilet, I tried gettin gher out of bed, I tried feeding her water with a spoon...I failed....I saw my aunt tonight in that bed. I saw me giving up on her. Isaw me leaving her in a hospital bed to be alone and wait til the angels took her. I saw a piece of me leave with her. The tears just distored everything I saw.
The emotions are unervingly raw...I know gma is dying..>I know she wasn't always there for me, my mom, my aunt or anyone but Jack...but these past 6 months she was....Aiden will probably never remember those visits. The ones I complained about over and over...the ones I sometimes did not look forward to . But this is history...family and american history...that is slowly and I mean very slowly leaving this earth. I know to a better place....but it's not the place that I currently reside.
Some of you will agree I gave up on her...that my will wasn't as strong as hers..that I must not care about her b/c I couldn't take care of her anymore...and to those of you I say I'm sorry....I'm sorry Gma in the elevator...I'm sorry I'm sorry I couldn't help make your last wish a reality but we tried...Mom, Diane, Barb, Mando, Dad...I hope to do better for you...I hope that I have the strength physically and mentally to care for you the best way I know how and to do so until the end comes for you.
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I feel for you. You probably don't remember this but during my junior year of HS I watched my step-dad slowly die in our living room because his wish was to not die in a hospital. I helped my mom care for him and clean up himself when he didn't make it to the bathroom in the middle of the night. It's hard watching someone die. And my mom worked in convalescent hospitals for 25 years. Even as a kid I would volunteer in them. It isn't a terrible place and the nurses do care. It hurts the staff when someone dies, but they are better equipt to take care of her. I know it feels like you gave up but what you actually did was help. I don't think anyone wants to put their family through pain. When she's in heaven she will be thankful for all you did for her.
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